On Friday evening it is being reported that local woman Rebecca Bernard felt unsafe while walking home. She discloses “There were a couple more rowdy drunks out, and one too many cat calls than usual that just caused me to grip my keys a little tighter, and walk a little faster.”
Although concerned about whether or not she would make it home safely in one piece, she claims she suddenly “felt a sense of calm” wash over her when she realised “if something were to happen to me, I’m absolutely sure somebody would make a true crime podcast about me!”
She continued confidently, saying “I’m definitely young, interesting and white enough for a vampiric podcast network to commission a full season or two dedicated to my demise”.
“Although I’m mildly successful, I’m still at a point in my life and career that if something terrible were to happen to me, I’m the perfect candidate for a lot of comments about how I was ‘taken too soon’ or how ‘she had her whole life ahead of her!’ as if true crime audiences wouldn’t lap that up!”
Later Rebecca admitted that, although she would never actively put herself in immediate danger, she had been trying to make her life a little bit more interesting “just in case”.
“I’ve just been like, sprinkling little breadcrumbs throughout my life. Like for example, I printed and hid some adoption papers under my bed for a 6 year old refugee, I hollowed out my childhood teddy where I’ve stored cash and my old babysitters phone number, and every now and then I’ll write fake diary entries about meeting a secret Christian extremist group under Gordon’s Bridge who try to contact Satan to tell him to knock it off”.
“Again, I would never purposely put myself in a dangerous situation. That would be crazy, plus I have so much to live for! But like… I figure, why not give my life a bit of ‘podcast that gets turned into a TV series spin-off’ potential?”