ARIES:
You fucking psychos won’t even bother waiting to see if there’s any kind of plan B, let alone try to hatch a plan yourself before you start your own personal Purge-esque rampage. Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your exes crazy new girlfriend because you firey bitches have been waiting to let off some god damn steam for a while now. Rules never really mattered to you, and they’ll certainly continue not to as you start competing to see how many scalps you can collect from politians who refused to invest in renewable energy instead voting in favour of mining coal.
TAURUS:
Just as you thrived during the pandemic by being that asshole who hoarded as much 3-4 ply toilet paper, fancy soap and luxury body wash as possible, the start of the end of the world will be no different for your superficial-ass. So long as you have nowhere to be, somebody to rail, and the ability to roll around in an exobrant amount of name brand shit that will no longer have any value once the economy crashes – you might actually have a nice time watching the world burn all from the comfort of your little glutton nest.
GEMINI:
Impending, what? Climate, who? Unless its about to affect what you’re doing now or what you plan to do next – you’ll be leaving that shit on read. The Twins have things to do, people to see and groups of friends to psychologically fuck with. Life will not change for you unless it physically starts to change around you, and even then you’ll figure out a way to befriend a hot scientest with a bunker, or manipulate your way into the ranks of a survivalist commune with ease.
CANCER:
Sea Shepherd, Greenpeace, whoever will take you – you’ll end up joining in a last-ditch effort to save the ocean you’re a total simp for. Although you’ll avoid doing any actual work at all costs, you will try to establish a psychic connection with the whales after removing wads of surgical masks from their blow holes. Ultimately, you’ll fail and end up crying like a little bitch either due to overwelming seasickness, or the fact that there’s no time to write in your diary when you’re trying to save the world.
LEO:
Let’s be real it’s not going to go well for you, Leo. Undoubtedtly, you’re going to have a fucking fit at how inconsiderate the enivornment is being to not even considering your feelings, and how all of this was going to affect you and your life. It won’t be long before you’ll be jumping onto GoFundMe trying to get people to finance you to keep your delectable, luxuourious life afloat and unchanged. The world could start burning up around you, but you’ll still be asking somebody to fan you down while summoning a waiter that you’ll inevtaibly get anrgy with because you can’t hear them over the three N95 masks they have to wear to breathe.
VIRGO:
The Virgins will be the first of everybody to peace the fuck out to the old ways and find yourselves living off the land on some secluded moutain range or dense bush land. As a lifelong learner you’re the most likely of all the signs to be able to figure out a way to grow fruit and vegetables in the increasingly tar-like consistency nuclear poisined soil, and learn how to filter your own piss using only a keep cup and a metal straw.
LIBRA:
Look, it’s 50/50 here Libra’s. You’re either gonna go head first into your ‘live fast die young’ mentality by indugling in copious amounts of drugs, booze and whatever consenting adult falls within your eyeline until you pass away from overdose, exposure or simply a lack of attention. That, or you’ll seemingly pick yourself up by your boot straps and find yourself looking for opportunities to help, like going live on instagram while you head to the beach to attempt to save the lives of a hoard of jellyfish that’s trying to mate with the great ocean garbage patch that’s now the size of the United States.
SCORPIO:
Let’s be real Scorpio friends, you aren’t going to be much use when it comes down to how to survive the ecological and economical breakdown of our society – and that’s ok! What you will be good for, and frankly what we’ll need you the most for is organising the most hedonistic, debaucherous and down right disgusting orgies human kind has ever laid witness. Planning, surviving and fighting has never been “you”, but putting on a party, being the centre of attention and being a disgusting little whore? That’s where you shine, baby! The world is ending and there’s no going back now, so go and make us proud by making The Human Centipede look like a G-rated Pixar film.
SAGITTARIUS:
Not that you even needed an excuse, but you Sag bitches will be the first to go Mad Max on everybodies ass. As the most adventourous of the sign with the most contiki tours under your belt, you’ll fit right in to being a weird drifting loner in the soon-to-be apocalyptic wasteland! Ultimately alturistic and generous in your pursuits, if anyone fucks with you or the stragglers you will inevitably capture along the way, you won’t shy away from ripping the skull from an enemies head and used it as a gross rearview mirror decoration for your supped up, death trap humvee.
CAPRICORN:
Before the news broke that the damage to the environment was irreversible, getting worse by the day and that we’re ultimately fuuucked, your little nerd ass had already smashed through every season of Doomsday Preppers. By now you’ve already mastered the art of pickling, gardening with your own shit and been gifted all your loved ones with personailsed bug-out bags. It’s going to absolutely fuck you off to no end that your friends already ate all their freeze dried snack bars and your Mum can’t remember where she put hers – but they might as well follow your lead as you’ll be the first one to try to rebuild a sense of stability, community and probably your own little weird government.
AQUARIUS:
Most social justice warriors are Aquarius’, and if they’re not? Yes they are. As news breaks that the completely avoidable demise of all humans is approaching, Aquarians will do as Aquarians do which is believe in the system, and that changes can be made within it. It will be you fucking weirdos that will handle the crisis by methodically and analytically trying to get to the bottom of all the systematic issues that lead us here, only to (wrongly) conclude that what is, and has always been the missing is YOU.
PISCES:
Sorry babes, but as one of the most emotional of the signs this news will rock and ultimately destroy you. You’ll will be the first ones to be culled not by ecofacists, the starved and desperate or by the flora and fauna that will thrive as humans die off, but by taking part in a little comm sui-ey. Let’s face it, your delicate sensibilities, constant second guessing and judgemental-ass attitude simply have no place in the looming environmental apocolypse.